Instead of the fulfillment of a lifetime (MY ENTIRE LIFE) of fantasizing about my magical, McFlyAss future, we have instead been given a half-assed skateboard-with-sound-effects. Sorry Mom, I asked for a giant laser so that I could destroy martians, not this plastic piece of shit with a tiny strobe light and the alarm from a clock radio. This is worse than when 2002 came and 0% of 3-2-1 Contact’s predictions (Flying Cars, Space Tourism) came true. I’m depressed. I’m also incredibly spoiled. While we’re at it, if Apple is so great, why don’t I communicate via Hologram?
All my friends moved to LA and I’ve been mostly moping around my apartment and ordering comic books online, working on becoming one of those overweight, ancient-yet-immortal, hair-matted-in-the-shape-of-a-cloak* New York hermits. I have received divine inspiration, however, in the form of: My New Favorite Thing the Internet Gave to Me! Why does this girl get to live out my dream? Wouldn’t this be totally creepy if it weren’t on Ellen?
via Ellen, and a more vigilant person’s facebook status
*I totally saw this hermit with this actual dreadlock (singular) on Christmas Day at the movies. He could use his dread as a hood or pull it down and it hung around his neck. True Story.
Absolutely nothing in the world can justify the aesthetic crime these hooligans are committing, but they come close to it by doing an amazing trick. I’m guessing that they’re rehearsing this for burning man, so if you also have terrible hair or used your expensive liberal arts degree to learn circus tricks, you should look for them on the after-burny scene and tell me about it.
As you should have already heard, Google, Wikipedia, Facebook, Twitter, Amazon (and more!) may be going dark in protest of upcoming SOPA legislation (short for the Stop Online Piracy Act–not Spanish for soup, even though it is).
The projected day is January 23. The hypnotic hold of the internet will be suddenly broken, a hold that has lasted the 10ish years since Metallica totally destroyed our trust in Metal forever. But what’s going to happen when Google and Facebook both go dark ALL OVER THE ENTIRE PLANET?
Probably nothing that terrible, but it’s pretty much the worst PR the Republican Party has ever had, and as usual, they did it all by themselves. It has also encouraged House Democrats to have an opinion, because they just want to be our friend even though they’re creepy and should get their own friends. The fist thing that comes to mind is Amy Poehler’s portrayal of the creepy mom in Mean Girls, so I’m going to show that now, for free, in defiance of copyright laws. This is exactly how I feel about the Democratic Party right now. How I feel about the Republican Party never changes, unless I’m thinking about Abraham Lincoln. Here’s the video:
Today in history, a boat full of anti-sex activists from Europe arrived on the shores of Massachusetts. It was the shortest day of the year so they were probably full of SADness, but they didn’t let that stop them.
They would go on to steal America from its native inhabitants, end the practice of magic forever (inspiring such films as Flight of Dragons and also that one with Winona Ryder in a stupid hat), and eventually become extremely apologetic about everything, forming the quaint communities of Northampton and Provincetown. To be fair, several months on a boat locked in a room full of rats and people with diarrhea would probably make all of us pretty cranky, don’t you think?
Today also marks the anniversary of the beginning of the Fredonian Rebellion, which is when white people first came together to stick their flag in Texas. (Yes, I did read about it on Wikipedia–I would never otherwise want or need to think about Texas.) Of all the things I did not expect to appreciate about a people that would elect this uneducated cattleman to be their leader, it was not that they would pick an awesome, Joss Whedon-like sci-fi name for their first stab at secession. “Fredonian Rebellion” just sounds really awesome and full of powerful lasers.
Here are five great ideas for feeling better today, inspired by the jerks that started it all:
Wedge yourself between two people on the subway until one of them becomes exasperated and moves. Like a Canadian, your other neighbor will sort of owe you even though they don’t like you.
Walk into a busy bakery full of tourists (I suggest City Bakery or Balthazar’s), wait for someone to walk out with a very delicious treat, and tell the hungover college student at the counter, “I think that was probably mine.”
Pick sides in an ongoing battle involving equally uninformed but ideologically opposed political factions, and then go bang a drum in a public place for as long as possible.*
Make your own flag! My favorite is this one. Also, DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS AND WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME?
Don’t say I didn’t get you anything for solstice.
*Obviously I meant the Jazz elective versus the African Dance elective over use of rehearsal space at your liberal arts school, and not something else you were thinking about. Come on.
I remember when I was 15 and I learned the phrase “injudicious niceness” (from the book Manifesta by Jennifer Baumgardner and Amy Richards! In hindsight it’s “just ok” but if you’re fifteen, why not take a look at it). This book–and probably also Daria and Ten Things I Hate About You–freed me to dislike a certain kind of femininity, as well as a certain kind of cunty-yet-sexy (it’s ok, that’s OUR word) cheerleader-type who was very prevalent in my universe (and also my fantasies, but that’s everyone, right?). Liking Shit Girls Say makes me feel sort of like that, but better. Because Shit Girls Say is hilarious.
I also caught this on Jezebel today. So if you have a bunched-panties expression, give ‘em a yank.
