The smug rag has an article this week profiling a woman who is causing terror among parents in Manhattan. Is it some crazy pedophile rapist*? Drug kingpin? Other legitimate big city fear?

Nope! It’s the woman who runs the admissions for the almost $40,000 a year kindergarten, Dalton. Dalton is best known for a rigorous program helping 4-year-olds learn futures shorting, tort reform, and mastering foursies.

After reading this, I’m not bothered by the barely-concealed racism from Upper East Siders who are furious the school dare try to diversify or that the whole thing read like rants from America’s royalty. No, it was this quote from speaking about the admissions director: “She holds my kids in the palm of her hand.”

No. No she fucking doesn’t. If not going to a $40k playtime dooms you to failure, whether fiscally or socially, then we public school scalawags must look like goddamn lepers.

You know who holds your toddler in their hands? You, you fucking pantsuited moron. Put down the martini and teach your kid some math. Real math, not whatever your scumbag husband does down on Wall St.

And besides, we all know education has no baring on one’s ability to be successful. Kim Kardashian can rake in 7 figures a year just by shoving two ham hocks down a cocktail dress. We are now actually discussing the timed and deliberate releases of sex tapes as financial planning. Plastic surgery goes further and is probably less than $40,000.

So don’t worry, rich mothers. Your little shit will grow up just the same even if he has to go to a $25,000 school.

The New York Times

* Pedophile and a rapist. Not a guy who rapes pedophiles. That’s for season 11 of Dexter.