Sometimes you just want to watch a very attractive woman and goofy looking guy put on really nice clothes, exchange witty banter, and eventually kiss in front of [insert body of water].

When I googled “holiday romantic comedy” Instant would only give me “holiday romantic comedy 2010.” What is going on? Romance has been dead for two years? (I am single, the “happy” couples in my social group are creepy/look alike, and everyone else wants to die. Yes.) It’s the most depressing time of the year, and I’m an old-fashioned spinster. I want to go to the movies alone and quietly cry while I admire another woman’s hair. (If you are going to protest and claim that the Twilight franchise fills the need for romance, I would like to clarify for you that what you have seen is a Mormon romantic drama about a creepy couple that looks alike. Also, what the fuck are you doing here.)

I then found the trailer for New Year’s Eve. They’re pairing up Lea Michele and Ashton Kutcher–in what appears to be a kennel, because there is no other plausible way this would happen–which is just the thing to make you want to avoid sex until it is absolutely necessary to procreate for the sake of your religious beliefs. Stephenie Meyer, are you listening?

Watch the trailer and judge for yourself, or don’t (I only watched half of it and then, whatever). Michelle Pfeiffer will always be number-one eyecandy for spinsters (remember when she wore the dinosaur shirt in One Fine Day with George Clooney?! HOT), but I’m only going to watch this movie if I get really really stoned or if someone cute asks me to go with them.