Every year I celebrate the holidays the same way: I go home to Las Vegas, see my family, and spend every waking minute watching movies—whether on cable or in the theater. Now, I hadn’t been to the movies in a while so I was not up on my trailers. So imagine my surprise when I saw that the most pivotal piece of cinematic history was returning to theaters… IN 3D…

Kate Winslet’s breasts in Titanic.

Seriously, was that not the best thing to happen to every 12 year old? In a single, swooping gesture of benevolence, the MPAA made up for every other wrong by rating Titanic PG-13 despite you totally being able to see her boobs. I tugged it to that VHS so many times I think I actually ripped the tape jogging it back and forth.

And now they will be back, 10 feet across, with futuristic technology to put them right in my face. God bless America.